What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 15:20
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I will be 64.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do some mothers hate their daughters especially when they're the eldest?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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So whats the point in blame.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What is the typical mentality of the Indian society?
But it wasn’t much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She loved him until the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My life is so biszare .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I write beautiful poetry .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I think the readers, may guess!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She married twice! .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Comes on , in middle age.
I have no regrets .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I waited trembling.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot live in the past .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When she asked me how she looked .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But, we were locked up after school.